40.

I realize that the number of the blog is incredibly appropriate. If you don't know the U2 song I'm referring to, it's a good one. Singing a new song is hard. Waiting patiently is hard. Having faith that God is going to set your feet on solid ground is hard.

August was a really tough month for me both personally and professionally. It's hard, I think, when everything seems to be spiraling downward, to see anything from a positive angle. When you are asked, "So what are you looking forward to in the next six months?" and all you can do is shrug, that's not good. Our vision is clouded by the storm and it becomes so overpowering, it's all we can see. Knowing cognitively that things will eventually work out does not necessarily make the present moment easier to deal with. It seems that it should, but we all know that it often doesn't.

At the end of the day, we want to know why things are the way that they are, but a majority of the time, we don't get those answers. We get answers to the things we don't care about - the "hows", "whats", etc. We already know "what" is happening. We just don't know is "why" it is happening.

In writing the message I will give next Sunday, I have done a lot more soul searching than I have for past messages. I have had more conversations with God and wrestled more with what I need to say. Though this process of exploring my craving for meaning, my deep desire for things to make sense, I have learned that sometimes things don't need to start making sense for me to be okay. Sometimes all I need to know is that life isn't arbitrary - there is a bigger story. Sometimes it's enough to know that better things are coming and take the interim time to find some solid ground in the community that surrounds you.

So really, all that's left is to say thank you to those that I have been so blessed with to be my solid ground.

My love, thank you for supporting me and comforting me every single day. You mean the world to me and I've seen God's love and mercy in you so much through the storm that embodied the past few weeks. (Words never seem like enough, do they? Here's hoping you understand just how important you are to me.)

Anyone who has asked if I was okay, given me a hug, or simply allowed me space as I've needed it, thank you.

And to whomever God used to touch my heart with the gift on my doorstep, I've been trying to figure out the right words to say thank you, but I don't think I have them. The reminder that people are watching out for me even when I don't realize it is incredibly powerful, and I cannot express how full my heart feels. I feel like the best thank you I can give is a commitment that someday I will be that person for someone else who needs a little bit of their faith restored. And I promise I will.

I honestly believe that one of life's greatest attractions is that through times of challenge and pain, new beauty is able to reveal itself more fully.

39: Coffee Shops

People don't go to coffee shops for the coffee. Making coffee at home is faster, more convenient, and far more economical. It's silly, really, to go somewhere else and spend significantly more money on something you can easily create in your own kitchen.

I think people go to coffee shops for the atmosphere, or at least I do. There are few things I find as calming and enjoyable as spending the afternoon at a local coffee shop. It's a change of environment, there are people around, the aroma is intoxicating, and I can't imagine a more appropriate playlist than what I am hearing right now.

And as I sit here, enjoying my vanilla latte with the foam art on top, typing the next update letter for my supporters, the song "Let it Be" begins to play. I just wouldn't rather be anywhere else at this moment. Despite the caffeine boost, I feel peaceful. I am away from the hustle and bustle that exists outside, but not isolated. Just here. And calm. And smiling.

Thirty-Eight: Dress Up.

I don't know what it is, but dressing up is perhaps more fun to me now than it was when I was a little girl. Dress up appeals to kids at a young age and helps their imagination grow--it's actually really good for their development. As adults, "playing dress-up" seems weird, but I think given the right context it can still be awesome. Growing up, going to college, and working can be soul-crushing at times, and it's nice to be able to escape into a made up world where you look your best and break out of the normal day-to-day agenda. To escape routine and responsibility can be great fun. I think we should do that more often.

The spring formal was a blast this past weekend. Even having coordinated it, I was able to thoroughly enjoy myself.

We need to redefine what it means to grow up. It can't possibly be as mundane as some people make it out to be.

Let's dance!

37: Best Day Ever... a new holiday, perhaps.

April 26th is awesome.

Eli James Gregory Suddarth was born at 2:22 AM and is absolutely perfect. He's 7 lbs. 5 oz. and 19.5" long. I am so thankful to have been there to meet him, even though I was crying my eyes out. He's so amazing.

Also, I got a job. My ideal job, in fact. It's with a social service agency and it means I get to stay after I graduate. The way it came about was a little strange and made me wonder if God had a hand in it. I submit that He did.

I'm overwhelmed with thankfulness at the blessings today has brought... and all of them before 10AM.

Thirty-Six: Waking Up

It's no secret that I'm not a morning person. I do not enjoy waking up. I never have, but recently, as I've acknowledged the value of sleep, it is even more bothersome having to get up. Sometimes it's because I haven't slept enough. Other times it's because I'm instantly overwhelmed at all the day will bring. Some days I just feel sick and can't imagine doing thinks like eating breakfast. In any case, waking up is pretty much the worst part of my day. Every day.

But I think that gives me an interesting advantage in life.

When I wake up, that is the worst I will feel all day. Things are not going to get worse than that disoriented, head-achey, sleepy, nauseous feeling that I get when I roll out of bed. I've got nowhere to go but up [I'd really like to do that someday]. So really, the rest of my day is welcomed with open arms. It's just those first ten minutes or so that are kind of a pain in the neck.

The thirty-fifth. On sociology and chicken pot pies.

Two weeks ago I attempted to make a chicken pot pie. I say "attempt" because ultimately, my only accomplishment that evening was discovering that my oven was broken.

Thinking I'd just modify my plans, I tried this:

Image 1: Not-so-bright idea

Just as an FYI, there is a reason chicken pot pies are made for oven and microwave use. They are not meant to be casseroles or stove top mixes. It did not taste good.

A week later, an appliance repairman finally made it to my complex, took a look at my oven, and determined the piece that had stopped working. Several days passed and he called to inform me that the part replacement didn't exist anymore, so he was just going to bring a new oven. (I'm not gonna lie, I danced a little bit.)

Well, when they measured for my newer, bigger, more functional oven, they did not take into account the fact that I have baseboards in my kitchen. The oven was 1/2" too wide for the space allocated between my wall and counter.

Image 2: Baseboards FTW?

The appliance guy just left it like this in my apartment. He said he'll be back sometime this week with either a plan to rip out my baseboard (with my landlord's permission) or another small oven. And I know it's not a big deal, but I'm legitimately upset about this. I'm frustrated that I have an oven I can't use in the middle of my kitchen and that instead of leaving me with that one, they might bring back another small oven that looks kind of like a toy. What is my problem??

For the past two years, I haven't even had an oven to call my own. It was definitely not considered a "necessity". But after having one for the past semester, suddenly it's a huge inconvenience to be limited to a microwave.

Karl Marx outlined four premises of history in The German Ideology, and this situation speaks wonderfully to the first two. The first premise was that we produce what is necessary to satisfy our basic needs (there would be no history if we could not produce food for our survival). The second is that once the first needs are satisfied, they create a whole new set of needs (for example, a fork is suddenly a "need" as well as the food that warrants its use).

A year ago, an oven was an amenity, not a basic need.
I have become incredibly spoiled.

And maybe I'm not the only one.

So there's some food for thought. (Pun intended.)

Entry thirty-four: signs.

Today I realized that yield signs are not clear. When two lanes are merging into one and you see a yield sign, you know instinctively to slow down if someone is in the lane next to you (or speed up, whichever you prefer). My beef isn't with the concept of a yield sign. I actually think the signs themselves are a good idea. My problem is in the orientation of the sign. Clearly, the upside down triangle is deceitful.

Exhibit A:
Normal Yield Sign

On street signs, we have been socialized to understand that an upward arrow means "forward" and a down arrow means "where you are right now". The upside down triangle characteristic of the yield sign is misleading; it is telling us that we will have more space ahead, which is the OPPOSITE of the truth.

Then you get crazy people who think signs like this are a good idea:

Exhibit B:
Yield Ahead (Just an FYI) Sign

I just don't understand. Flip the triangle. It isn't that difficult. There is no need for a yellow sign which contains multiple images. If you flip the triangle, it becomes the arrow.

People need to chill out with their sign-age.

(Inspired by Google search, illustrated by Kris.)

33: In which I break the blog title rule and a barista breaks a social rule.

I am mildly insulted that today my Starbucks barista assumed I wanted my latte nonfat. I'm not trying to be super sensitive, but this is the third time someone has made that assumption. Different people every time. Different stores every time. I clearly say what kind of latte I want, and then they call it out and add that I want it nonfat. I don't even like milk that much, let alone if it's watery skim milk. I just feel this is an assumption that should never be made, because I don't feel comfortable correcting their mistake. What would I say? "No, please, I want the extra calories; I'm clearly not dieting if I'm at your coffee shop." I mean, I could say that, but I wouldn't because then I'd really feel terrible about myself.

If I am going to spend more than $1 on a cup of coffee, I want to make it count. Did you think I was going for a healthy meal when I ordered a slice of coffeecake to compliment my chai? But alas, I am now committed to a watered-down coffee experience, because YOU have made me feel uncomfortable about wanting the real deal.

The psychological aspect of this situation fascinates me.

Treinta y dos

I wrote in July that I'm not a "crier". And I wasn't lying; up to that point in my life, that was a true statement. It makes me laugh now, because sometime within the last six months that changed. And that's okay. It's just an odd thing to have to get used to. Somehow though, I feel more human, more real, as a result of this change.

Something that constantly amazes me is how much music can affect you. Some of the most beautiful music I've ever heard both heals my heart and solicits tears. In the past, I spent a lot of time avoiding beautiful music because of the emotional component. I'm starting to appreciate it more. Although it requires more of my emotional energy, there is so much more substance and depth, it's worth it.

In the past few days I've played my piano more than in the past few years. Or maybe ever. I hope this isn't a short-term kick. I really want this to continue. If I can't have silence in a physical manner, at the very least it quiets my mind.

"Without music life would be a mistake." - Nietzche