40.

I realize that the number of the blog is incredibly appropriate. If you don't know the U2 song I'm referring to, it's a good one. Singing a new song is hard. Waiting patiently is hard. Having faith that God is going to set your feet on solid ground is hard.

August was a really tough month for me both personally and professionally. It's hard, I think, when everything seems to be spiraling downward, to see anything from a positive angle. When you are asked, "So what are you looking forward to in the next six months?" and all you can do is shrug, that's not good. Our vision is clouded by the storm and it becomes so overpowering, it's all we can see. Knowing cognitively that things will eventually work out does not necessarily make the present moment easier to deal with. It seems that it should, but we all know that it often doesn't.

At the end of the day, we want to know why things are the way that they are, but a majority of the time, we don't get those answers. We get answers to the things we don't care about - the "hows", "whats", etc. We already know "what" is happening. We just don't know is "why" it is happening.

In writing the message I will give next Sunday, I have done a lot more soul searching than I have for past messages. I have had more conversations with God and wrestled more with what I need to say. Though this process of exploring my craving for meaning, my deep desire for things to make sense, I have learned that sometimes things don't need to start making sense for me to be okay. Sometimes all I need to know is that life isn't arbitrary - there is a bigger story. Sometimes it's enough to know that better things are coming and take the interim time to find some solid ground in the community that surrounds you.

So really, all that's left is to say thank you to those that I have been so blessed with to be my solid ground.

My love, thank you for supporting me and comforting me every single day. You mean the world to me and I've seen God's love and mercy in you so much through the storm that embodied the past few weeks. (Words never seem like enough, do they? Here's hoping you understand just how important you are to me.)

Anyone who has asked if I was okay, given me a hug, or simply allowed me space as I've needed it, thank you.

And to whomever God used to touch my heart with the gift on my doorstep, I've been trying to figure out the right words to say thank you, but I don't think I have them. The reminder that people are watching out for me even when I don't realize it is incredibly powerful, and I cannot express how full my heart feels. I feel like the best thank you I can give is a commitment that someday I will be that person for someone else who needs a little bit of their faith restored. And I promise I will.

I honestly believe that one of life's greatest attractions is that through times of challenge and pain, new beauty is able to reveal itself more fully.